Good news and bad news

As the saying goes, I’ve got good news and bad news. It doesn’t matter which you want first because it’s the same news either way: The Tribulation has already begun.

All the signs of the start of the period called The Tribulation — predicted in the Bible as a seven-year period before the return of Jesus the Christ — have already occurred. This is only part of the research that I’ve uncovered recently while working on a new book…

The original working title was Are We Already in the End Times?, but I recently changed the title from a question to a statement. The new title is Tribulation: 2008.

The writer is Tom Kovach, columnist at The bad news is that, according to Kovach, we’ve all been Left Behind, including the True Believers (who, as it turns out, have sadly misinterpreted certain Bible verses about the order of End Time events). The “good news,” of course, is that this means Jesus will return in the year 2015, and we’ll have a thousand-year reign of peace and prosperity. Right?

You want exegesis? You want justification for Kovach’s claim that millions of Christians are wrong and only his interpretation happens to be correct? Check this out.

I identify four distinct periods of Biblical timing: the Latter Days, the End Times, the Tribulation, and the Great Tribulation. Many people seem to think that all four periods are the same, but are called by different names in different parts of the Bible. Not so. This past weekend, the signs were put in place to move us from the End Times into The Tribulation.

Some people think that The Tribulation will begin when the first of the Seven Seals are opened from around the scroll described in Chapter Six of Revelation. Not so. That was the beginning of the Latter Days. And, the first seal was opened more than one hundred years ago!

Wow, that’s certainly compelling evidence, eh? Ah, but wait, he has the facts to back up his claims.

The Tribulation is a period of testing for Christians, and a period of revealing the truth of Jesus the Christ as the Messiah of Israel. Jesus predicted that many Christians would “fall away” during the End Times, and many more would during The Tribulation. Time magazine has just released the results of huge survey that indicates many Christians do not believe that Jesus is the only way to eternal life .

Yes, religious tolerance is surely a sign that the apocalypse is near and that believers deserve God’s wrath just as much as anyone else. And if that’s not enough genuine, honest-to-God proof, he also cites the fact that the above-mentioned survey was released on the Summer Solstice of 2008, and such remarkable fulfillments of Apocalyptic prophecy as the wildfires in California, the deportation of Christian pastors from somewhere, and the possibility that an earthquake might occur in California (and so soon after they permitted gay marriage, gosh).

I’ll take “Barking Mad” for $200, Alex.

PS: He did get one thing right. The idea of a “pre-Tribulation Rapture” is entirely extrabiblical. Nowhere does the Bible predict any pre-Tribulational Return, and II Thessalonians 1, which predicts the Second Coming, specifically states that the Second Coming is supposed to simultaneously reward the afflicted Church with relief, and the wicked with destruction, which pretty much eliminates the possibility of any post-Rapture Tribulation.

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Posted in Amusements, Superstition. 14 Comments »

14 Responses to “Good news and bad news”

  1. valdemar Says:

    I’m a bit tired, but why doesn’t the never ending string of dud prophecies crankeds out by fundies discredit the whole literalist view of the Bible? What, in brain-care terms, is wrong with these people?

    And, since I’m rambling, isn’t the obsession with the Rapture etc happening in MY lifetime and saving ME personally, while all the people I dislike go to Hell, a case of mixing modern American consumer culture with simpleminded faith? ‘You can have it all – including Armageddon – because you’re worth it!’

  2. jim Says:

    Looking down from heaven on your loved ones writhing in eternal agony…priceless!

  3. Nemo Says:

    Yeah, we’ve been in the End Times for, what, 30 years now? 100? 2000?

    Let the falling away begin!


    Seriously, I keep waiting.

  4. Deacon Duncan Says:

    The Apostle Peter said that “one day is as a thousand years with the Lord.” If we take Ussher’s chronology as accurate, then from 4004 BC to 4BC (the birth of Jesus) is 4 “days” on the prophetic calendar. Two more “days” would take us to 1997 (remember, there is no year Zero on the Christian calendar, so you have to add a year when going from BC to AD). This gives us 6 prophetic “days,” corresponding to the six days of Creation in Genesis 1. God rested on the seventh day, which would correspond to the thousand years of peace and prosperity that was supposed to follow the return of Christ. So you see, the Tribulation actually began in 1990, Jesus came back in 1997, and now we’re in the Millennium.


  5. Patricia Burns Says:

    Seven Years between the Sixth SEAL and the Seventh TRUMPET

    There are seven years between the Sixth SEAL (Re.6:12-17) and the Seventh TRUMPET (1 Thess.4:16-17. It is during that seven years that the world will face the tribulation

    During the first three and a half years (1260 days), the two witnesses will have God-given power to prophesy (Re.11:3, 7).

    During the last three and a half years (1260 days), the church will face the tribulation under the beasts of Revelation chapter 13.

    Patricia © Bible Prophecy on the Web
    Author of the self-study aid, The Book of Revelation Explained © 1982

  6. Modusoperandi Says:

    I don’t know what the Bible has against seals. They’re always being broken in that book at the end with all the spoilers, which seems kind of cruel. I like seals, what with their talent for honking horns, balancing balls on their noses and clapping.

    Does this mean that Jesus is going to Seaworld?

  7. Jon Edwards Says:

    There’s enough documented stuff on the web to totally demolish the 178-year-old pretrib rapture notion. If a person Googles “Pretrib Rapture Diehards” he probably won’t have enough strength left to type in “Pretrib Rapture Desperados” or “Famous Rapture Watchers.” The author also has written the bestselling book THE RAPTURE PLOT (see Armageddon Books), the documentation of which has already put many prophecy teachers into a tizzy. If your cup of tea is excellent exegesis of what the Word teaches in regard to rapture, tribulation, and second coming, “Christians Will Suffer Great Tribulation” by Joe Ortiz (president of Joe Ortiz Associates) will leave you breathless and panting for more! Jon

  8. Deacon Duncan Says:

    And if you enjoy watching us prove that the Rapture is a myth, just wait until we tackle the Second Coming and the Millennium.


  9. Modusoperandi Says:

    John Edwards: “prophecy teachers”? What’s a job like that pay? Do you have to be “right”, or is being “not-right so far” close enough?

  10. Deacon Duncan Says:

    I wonder what prophecies would sound like if prophets only got paid per fulfilled prediction?

  11. Modusoperandi Says:

    Um. Vague? Cryptic?

  12. Chigliakus Says:

    Prophecies are already vague and cryptic, much like the predictions made my astrologers and fortune tellers. I remember watching a documentary about James Randi a while back (I think it was Nova on PBS). At one point he tells a classroom of people that he has prepared a personal horoscope for each of them. After they read their horoscope they’re supposed to rate its accuracy, and they all rate it highly. He then asks them to pass their horoscope back to the person sitting behind them and the back row to give theirs to the front row. At this point the students realize they’ve all been given the same horoscope.

  13. John Paul Says:

    I predict sometings will happen latter today!

    And woe, someone, somewhere will laugh while someone, somewhere else will cry!

    So speaketh me, some guy who happens to have two popes named after him but does not have a brother named George Ringo!

    Also, in all seriousness, I would like to thank you Deacon Duncan for your efforts on behalf of alethea. Your work here is a significant component to my recovery from a twisted religious past.

  14. Deacon Duncan Says:

    I once visited a larger charismatic congregation (average attendance was around 300, IIRC), and they had a special part of the service where they set up a microphone at the front and invited people to come up and share “what the Lord is speaking to your heart.” So this lady gets up and announces, “The Lord is just really speaking to my heart right now, and He’s telling me that there’s a man in this congregation who’s struggling with pornography and really wrestling with impure thoughts…”

    I was tempted to go up and prophesy that someone else was probably worrying about money. I was a believer at the time, so I just kept my mouth shut.